The 5 Love Languages

Fri, April 16 2010

Since reading this book, I have recommended it to at least 2 different people but probably more. I’m not the only one. It’s one of those books most people have heard of at least once. Plus, there’s well over 500 reviews for it on Amazon and it comes damned close to being a 5 star book. It’s all for good reason, too.

In the 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman explains a trend he has observed in his 30 years of professional marriage counseling: people speak different love languages. Chapman explains how different people require love to be expressed in a certain way in order to recognize and bask in it. This concept is something which easily illustrates a little problem that is easily illustrated by this common complaint:

I show my partner I love him or her all the time by doing X, Y or Z but it’s never enough.

The 5 Love Languages easily paints how different people have different needs. It is because of this that our efforts sometimes seem to go unnoticed, not because we don’t love our partners enough but because we do not realize that they need to be shown in a certain way and/or we do not know how to show them in the way they need.

These needs frequently appear after what the author refers to as the “in love” period, where inflated feelings of euphoria which has perhaps lessened the necessity for our partner to speak our primary love language, has faded. Reality sets in but it is here, Chapman argues, that we have the opportunity to learn and speak our partner’s love language to develop mature love and promote long term happiness.

As you may have guessed, Chapman outlines 5 languages in his popular book: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts and physical touch. Each language has its own chapter which further explains what it means. Some of the surface thoughts people might have about each language of love are not entirely correct. For instance, Chapman writes about how men tend to view their love language as physical touch because they like sex but this is not always the case.

These chapters introduce the reader to the concept of the languages and patiently but firmly explains that everyone needs something different and if you are not providing your partner with what he or she needs, you are not doing your best to make your relationship a happy and healthy one. Chapman relates how he explained to one client that speaking is his wife’s love language showed that he loved her. To this the client replied he would have no problem participating in household chores to show his love. This simple but firm guide is one which is necessary when people sometimes focus on what they shouldn’t have to do. Life and relationships do not work that way.

Chapman writes about his observations with stories from his practice. He explains how he has given advice to couples which has vastly improved one experience but not both, because he was not aware of each person’s love language. He also talks of a young couple who shared the same love language (acts of service) but each spoke different dialects. It is because of the dialects, he explains, that love languages can play out in a limitless range of possibility.

As you read, you will likely pick up on which love languages apply to yourself and people you know (in fact, each chapter ends with one or more through provoking statements or questions). If you are having a bit of trouble with this aspect, The 5 Love Languages includes a chapter each on determining your spouse’s as well as your own love language. Chapman guides us in this discovery by hinting that our love language is usually the thing we ask (nag) for most, tends to be the thing which hurts us most when misused and is usually the way we show love. If you still struggle, the book contains quizzes for both husbands and wives to determine their love languages. These assessments also available online.

In the final chapters, Chapman explains how “love is a choice” which “makes the difference.” These chapters explain how we have a choice to employ relationship-healthy techniques such as learning our partner’s love language, no matter how difficult it may be at first, or choosing to let past mistakes cloud the future. Learning about love languages can mean the difference between success or failure in your relationship. Learning your partner’s love language can help promote positive changes even if he or she is not necessarily open to making changes or feel that the problem is yours alone.

The 5 Love Languages contains many solid, realistic tips about making the most out of a relationships, too. Even if you don’t necessarily buy into the concept of love languages, Chapman points out that relationship goals cannot be vague (something which many couples fail to realize). It is written in an extremely easy to understand and and read format which I found interesting throughout.

If I have any complaints about the 5 Love Languages, it is that the perspective is rather hetero-normative. Gary Chapman’s marriage counseling experience and religious views (which are expressed in the book but I did not find to be overbearing) easily explains this but I would not want anyone to get stuck on the use of the words “husband” or “wife” because I do believe the concept of love languages spans sexual orientation and this book could be helpful for many.